by Jeremy Lansing
[This article first appeared in The Agenda #14, January 2006]
Thirteen-year-old Jeremy Lansing was asked to resign from the staff of his middle school newspaper after attempting to print the following controversial interview. In the interest of defending the first amendment and promoting diversity, we here at The Agenda have decided to run it, so the readers can decide for themselves. Plus, he totally traded us two Ring Dings and a bag of Funyuns in exchange for publishing it.
Jeremy Lansing: Thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule to sit down with me for The Agenda.
Giselle Bundchen: Oh, it’s my pleasure. All of us Victoria’s Secret models read your paper. The writers are all so handsome.
JL: How nice of you to say. So you’re from Brazil right?
GB: Oh my God, what an amazing question. This is already the best interview I’ve ever done. Yes, I am from Brazil, so I hope your readers are giving me a sexy accent in their heads.
JL: It must be great down there.
GB: It’s the best. We all live on beaches so we never really have to wear anything except g-strings. Plus it’s always hot and sunny, so the women—who are all gorgeous—spend a lot of time rubbing tanning oil on each other’s boobs.
JL: Wow, that’s great.
GB: Yeah. Do you mind if I take my shirt off?
JL: Not at all.
GB: There. That’s much better. Why don’t you take yours off too?
JL: Really?
GB: Please.
(waits for JL to take shirt off) Wow. Do you work out?
JL: Well, I’m on the swim team at school, so…
GB: Oooh. That’s so sexy. Us Brazilian women love a man in a Speedo. I’m going to take my bra off too. There we go. Don’t my boobs look great?
JL: Fantastic.
GB: Why don’t you touch them?
JL: OK.
(begins touching GB’s boobs)
GB: That feels nice, but why don’t you touch Heidi’s boobs now?
JL: Who?
GB: Heidi Klum. She’s here too.
Heidi Klum: Hi, Jeremy.
JL: Oh, hi. I didn’t even see you there.
HK: Do you like my boobs, Jeremy? Please touch them.
JL: This is great.
GB: There. Now you touch my boobs and I’ll touch Heidi’s.
JL: Awesome.
HK: Yes, that’s very nice. But I’m getting bored with boobs. I want to touch your wiener, Jeremy.
GB: Yes, me too. Let us touch your wiener.
JL: Okay. Should I take my pants off?
HK: Definitely.
GB: Oh, Jeremy. I didn’t realize you have such a big wiener. Let me touch it.
HK: Oooh. Me too. Me too.
JL: Oh, ladies, you’re too kind.
GB: Jeremy, who are you talking to in there?
JL: What?
Jeremy’s Mom: (from outside bathroom door) Who are you talking to in there?
JL: Uh ... No one. No one. I’m just ... uh, washing up.
JM: Are you playing with yourself in there? Dinner is ready. You better not be playing with yourself in there.
JL: I’ll be out in a minute. I’m just washing up.
JM: I’m getting your father. Jim! I think he’s playing with himself in there!
Jeremy’s Dad: (bangs on door) Boy, you better not be in there tuggin’ at it while your dinner’s gettin’ cold!
(bangs on door again) You hear me in there? If you’re not at that dinner table in three minutes, I’ll kick this god dammed door open! And for God’s sake, wash your hands!
JL: Well, that’s all the time we have today, ladies. Thanks for stopping by.
GB & HK: It was our pleasure, Jeremy.
JL: For
The Agenda, I’m Jeremy Lansing. Be sure to check our next issue for my interview with Christina Aguilera and special surprise guest Beyoncé. We’ll be talking about ninjas and why they’re so awesome.
